T'was the Night Before Christmas

T'was the night before christmas, and all through my house,
 not a creature was stirring, not even a cock-a-mouse.
 My suit jamas were on my body in case,
 some hot chicks would show to warm up at my place.

I was so comfy and snug in my bed,
While visions of breast were bouncing up and down in my head,
Then could it be I heard a knock at my door,
 I arose from my bed, this better be important I swore.

When I opened the door, there stood a hot babe,
Santa had come early, but I was afraid,
You see I had been bad all through the year,
Why would Santa finally show me his care?

Then I said screw it and invited her in,
I saw desire in her face when she gave me a grin.
She was cold and lonely on this Christmas eve,
She had heard of all the tricks I had up my sleeve.

Then why are you here I asked with a stare,
To that she replied I don't even care.
So we headed to my room with plenty of kisses,
So ends the tale of my night before Christmas!

Some Awesome Barney Stinson Pics!

Another True Story

As many of you know Thanksgiving is quickly approaching. Everyone loves to get together with their families and friends, to eat turkey, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie. What many of you don't know is that Thanksgiving marks an even greater tradition. It is the tradition of banging a chick on Thanksgiving!

I know, I know. You can do that on any day of the year. What you don't know is that it is a day that is easy to pick up a chick. 

After everyone has there Thanksgiving meal and is all happy go lucky, some people like to go out to the bars to celebrate a little more. When women are in a super happy mood or super sad mood they are at their easiest to get home. On this day women tend to be happy and thus would love to go back to your place to have some fun.

So this year, be thankful for all the happy women who are going to be out after dinner. As an added bonus, you don't even have to buy them food. They will already have eaten!

I'm Awesome

To those of you following my awesome blog, you may have noticed a lack of blog posts lately. Well, I can a sure you that this is because I've been out awesoming all over the place. When you are busy being awesome you need not no other excuse. Sometimes I ask myself, "How did I get this awesome"? Then I realize, I've always been. SO the next time you see that I haven't posted much, know this! You need not worry about the Barnacle, he is just too awesome to worry about. You know he is out doing something awesome, spreading awesome, or just being awesome. I know all of you readers aspire to be as awesome me. One day maybe but you will have to keep reading my blog to do so.

Stinson Out!

Halloween Suit Up!

It is that time of the year when everyone I know suits up! It may not be in a suit but at least people have the Halloween spirit. Everyone knows Halloween is about dressing up super awesome and banging hot chicks. Since the dawn of Halloween that's what it's been about. When the Celtics came up with the tradition of Halloween do you think they just lounged around with a bunch of dudes? No! They were out banging chicks all night. When people were on witch hunts do you think they were trying to burn them alive? No! People want to get laid on Halloween.

If you didn't enjoy any Halloween parties this weekend I hope you go out and enjoy the actually holiday. There is nothing like enjoying a holiday, and seeing so many girls slut up! If you are a guy and you are going out, don't forget your spare costume. It is essential in case you don't score with the hottest chick at the party because you get a second try!

So this Halloween followers remember it's not about candy, holiday spirit, scares, and trick-or-treats. This Halloween is about suiting up and banging chicks!

Lorenzo von Matterhorn

Lorenzo Von Matterhorn was born somewhere in Switzerland in the spring of 1974. The exact date and circumstances of his birth are unknown since he was immediately placed in a basket and tossed in a river. Young Lorenzo rode the pristine Alpine glacial melt waters for hundreds of miles before a young Milanese woman discovered the basket along the banks of the river Po. Some say it was this first early journey to Milan that fueled his love for both exploration and fashion. The woman would raise Lorenzo as her own, naming him Lorenzo after her father and giving him the surname Von Matterhorn to reflect his Swiss heritage as well as his uncommonly large penis.

 Shortly after his family moved to New York City in the late 70's, Lorenzo began rescuing stray puppies and other cute animals. As someone who had been abandoned himself, Lorenzo recognized both the pain of loneliness as well as the power of hope. One evening, while nursing a particularly cute Cocker Spaniel back to health, Lorenzo noticed the rest of his brood howling in unison. Curious as to their abilities, he spent the next several months developing their voices and then entered them as a musical act in a local festival under the name DOG STEVENS. They took first place, and went on to become one of the most successful animal musical acts since The Beatles.

 While financing a scientific study on cloud-seeding to alleviate drought in various poor countries, Lorenzo fell in love... with ballooning. He has now ballooned across every continent and hopes to balloon around the world for charity.

At an early age, Lorenzo was diagnosed with phallumegaly, or bigness of penis disorder. As a result of his illness, Lorenzo's sense of balance frequently shifts, causing short-term memory loss. Lorenzo has been known to walk away from situations and not call again, and shouldn't be held accountable when he does. Tired of ordering custom underwear and furniture, Lorenzo has pursued penis reduction surgery a number of times only to be told it's too risky.

Nothing Suits Me Like A Suit Lyrics

I know what you're thinking
What's Barney been drinking?
That girl was smoking hot

Yes I coulda nailed her
But no it's not a failure
'Cuz there's one thing she is not

To score a ten would be just fine
But I'd rather be dressed to the nines
It's a truth you can't refute
Nothing suits me like a suit

Picture a world where all the boys and girls
Are impeccably well dressed
That delivery guy in the jacket and tie
That puppy in the double-breast

That '80s dude with mutton chops
That baby with a lollipop
That lady cop who's kinda cute
Nothing suits 'em like a suit

Wingman I can wear
They're oh so debonair
The perfect way to snare
A girl with daddy issues

In navy blue or black
Check out this perfect rack
I want to give them a squeeze

Oh really? Then answer these questions
If you please

What would you do if you had to choose
Between your suits and a pot of gold? Suits.

What would you say
If you gave your suits away
In return you'd never grow old? Suits.

What would you pick
One million chicks
Or a single three-piece suit? It's moot.

What if world peace
Were within your reach... Abbadabada I'm gonna stop you right there. It's suits. Come on, Lily. Get your head outta your ass.

Two... Three... Four!

Girls will go and girls will come
But there's only one absolute
Every bro on the go needs to know
That there's no accepted substitute

I'm sorry suits, let's make amends
My Sunday best are my best friends
Send casual Friday down the laundry chute

'Cuz nothing suits the undisputed oft-saluted suitor of repute
Like a... wait for it...
Suit!

Barney's Get Pysched Mix

A bro is always psyched. Always
-If you’re having trouble getting psyched, or you need to get a bro psyched, you can always make yourself a “Get Psyched” mix.

Here is a list of songs on my "Get Pysched List"

1. You Give Love A Bad Name (Bon Jovi)
2. I Wanna Rock (Twisted Sister)
3. The Humpty Dance (Digital Underground)
4. Don’t Stop Believin’ (Journey)
5. Lick It Up (Kiss)
6. Paradise City (Gun ‘N’ Roses
7. Tom Sawyer (Rush)
8. The Transformers Theme – Alternate Version (Vince DiCola)
9. Dancing With Myself (Billy Idol)
10. Rock You Like A Hurricane (Scorpions)
11. Come Sail Away (Styx)
12. Free Bird – Second Half Only (Lynyrd Skynyrd)
13. Panama (Van Halen)
14. Jessie’s Girl (Rick Springfield)
15. Talk Dirty To Me (Poison)
16. Thunderstruck (AC/DC)
17. High Enough (Damn Yankees)
18. Hip Hop Hooray (Naughty By Nature)
19. Dr. Feelgood (Motley Crue)
20. Round and Round (Ratt)
21. You’re the Best Around (Joe Esposito)

The Hot/Crazy Scale

As many of you know, there is a scale that determines a girls craziness to her hotness. Thus we have the Hot/Crazy scale. I know all of you at one point in time have thought there was an exception to this scale. Hotty's will drag you in thinking, "Oh she's not crazy" but then out of no where, a flip will be switched. This blog post is to re-warn you of the dangers in not following the hot/crazy scale. You will find a bad shit crazy girl if you do not tread carefully.

Things To Do Today!

Hear is a list of things I need to do today:

1. Be Awesome (Super easy)

2. Suit Up!

3. Talk to my best friend Ted

4. Go to work

5. Be even more awesome!

6. Score with some random chick.

7. Go to MacLaren's

8. Call Scherbatsky Candian

9. Tell Lily to get her head out of her ass

10. Make the night Legen....wait for it....dary!

I'm Awesome, Therefore, I Am

"I'm awesome, therefore, I am". It is a true philosophical quote from Rene Brocartes. He was once questioning reality after a long night with a really hot chick. He wondered how one could know if he truly exists or if reality is really just part his imagination. As everyone knows, Brocartes was well known for his awesome fashion sense and way with the ladies. He was truly awesome for his time. During that same night of questioning reality it came to him. How could he not exist when he was so awesome. It was so simple yet so powerful. "I'm awesome, therefore, I am". True Story

What Does Barney Stinson Do?

So you wanna what I do for a living? Haha please, everyone knows what I do so I don't think it's worth talking about. I do however, have an awesome story from work! So I'm at GNB in my office bathroom, Wha Dup!, and can you guess what happened?  I get a call from Ted. Had to put the Leader of Russia on hold so I could see what my best bro wanted. Turns out there was another Cock-a-Mouse found in his apartment. So of course I had to rush over. Told the Russian leader I'd call him back. I get there and what do I find? One of Ted's stupid "Interventions." They think I've been working too hard lately and want to go get a scotch and play laser tag(Awesome). Of course they ask what exactly I've been working so hard on lately. My response? Haha...please lets go play some laser tag. I have the best friends, of course when they have a friend like me, it's hard to be around awesomeness. So they do have to work extra hard for me. It was the first time in a long time Ted played laser tag with me :').

True Story

So there are three guys in this story. Two of them walk into a bar, and well sadly one of them doesn't. Do you know why this third man didn't walk into this bar? He was married. The wife told him he couldn't go out with his bro's that night. Do you know what the moral of this story is? Don't get married, you won't be able to hang out with the bro's, sleep with young single ladies, and one of the most important things you won't be able to do is go play laser tag. You will be stuck at home with the wife and not going out awesoming all over the place. Awesome people don't get married! True Story

I Only Have One Rule

As many of you know, I, Barney Stinson have one and only one rule. So, I made a list of it for you!

I only have one rule -

Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.

Never go out with a chick whose last name ends in a vowel.

Never spell check.

Never meet a girl's parents.

Never pass up a free sample.

Never pet a chicken.

Never trust a dude with hair past his shoulders.

 Never trust a dude with hair ON his shoulders.

Never enter a wine bar. They only attract women over 30.

Never check a bag.

If it's yellow, flush it down too.

Never wear a brown belt with black shoes.

Never take a girl back to your place, especially if your place is the White House

Always wash your hands before returning to work.

Never leave home with less than three condoms in your wallet.

However old a girl says she is add 5 years. However much she says weighs add 5.

Never meet a girl for lunch.

Never repeat yourself.

Bang twice, dump once.

The longer the line, the better the food.

Never run without stretching.

Never wear a clip-on.

Never use an airplane lavatory.

Never order a “small” beer.

If you pay your taxes before a court mandates you do, you’ve paid too soon.

Black tie is never optional.

Ask yourself, “What would Ted do?” Then do the opposite. 

The only exception to any of these rules is if she is hot.  
            

A Legen...wait for it...dary weekend

So as many of you know, I'm awesome. With that being said, most of my weekends would make an average man jealous. This was no ordinary weekend, however, it was legen....dary. It started off with a great game of Laser Tag(Only the best sport known to man) and just kept getting better and better from there. Ted, believe or not actually suited up and played laser tag with me! It was like nothing could go wrong. I scored not only on Friday and Saturday but also on Sunday. It was so awesome! None of them tried to get all attachy or anything. In fact, I still haven't heard back from any of them. Some quick advice, wear a suit, it works for me and it worked for Ted because the man also hooked up with a chick this weekend. Wha Dup! Scherbatsky thought the whole weekend was childish but what does she know. Maybe if she actually read my blog she wouldn't be so Canadian about everything. Lily and Marshall were off doing there own thing this weekend. But from what I heard they even had a great weekend. Which is a surprise because I always thought married couples couldn't have any fun. I had many a glasses of scotch this weekend and spent most of it with my best bro Ted(besides you know, when I was with the ladies). So we can chalk this up to a Legen....wait for it....dary weekend. My awesomeness level went through the roof this weekend.

Revenge of the Naked Man

As many of you know, I, Barney Stinson attempted a move called the Naked Man once and it failed miserably. I also lost a great phone that night. Nevertheless I would not give up my new challenge of getting a girl in bed using the naked man tactic. It was supposed to work 2/3 attempts and so I set this statistic to the test. I brought three girls to my place, had a few drinks, and things were going great. I went into another room and stripped down. I called the girls into the room and BAM! If you guessed that 2/3 of those girls stayed with me that night, you are indeed correct! Yes upon successfully using the naked man I also accomplished my goal of riding a tricycle. WHA DUP! Next time any of you see me I will be wearing my belt around all day every day. It goes well with my suit. Ted didn't believe me but none the less I waved my belt in his face for an hour telling him to look at it( He was so jealous).

It was definitely a legendary night. To all of my followers I would like to thank you for reading my blog and know that you are awesome for it!

How to be Awesome

Step 1: Get a suit. Suits are awesome, so if you want to be awesome, get one.

Step 2: Don't even think about being married until you're at least 30. No one who is married is awesome.

Step 3: To be awesome you must feel like you are awesome. Gain some confidence! ( Your suit will help)

Step 4: If you start to feel sad, don't. Instead, try being awesome. No one who is awesome gets sad.

Step 5: Don't try to fit in. Awesome people are their own people. Following the crowd is not awesome.

Step 6: Never back down from a challenge! Awesome people are not afraid to accept a challenge.

Step 7: Make up your own words. Awesome people can make up an awesome word on the spot. Like Possimpible.

Step 8:  Focus on the positive: My life rocks! Money, suits and sex? These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in an apartment, changing some brat’s poopy diaper but instead I’m out in the world being awesome 24/7/365!

Ted

Well today I think I'm going to post about Ted. I'm his best bro/friend but man sometimes I wish he would just listen to me. Yesterday he got a chick's number and he called her back today! I know what an idiot right?! I've told him time and time again you wait three days. Jesus put that rule in place for a reason. Either way he got lucky and she totally ate it up. Sometimes I don't know what Ted would to without me if I didn't have his back. Totally got him that chicks number and just one time you would think Ted would thank me or at least suit up! Every girl loves a suit it's a fact.

I think I may just go get my favorite suit dry cleaned and pressed. It will always pick you up when your best friend makes a huge mistake.

More Awesome Barney Stinson Quotes

1. Ok, that's it. Attention, Canada. I'm Barney, from America, and I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, get real money. Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a joke. Number two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don't want her, I'm planting my flag in her if you know what I mean-which you probably don't- and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless.

2. Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma Girl free-for-all. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS UP!

3.  Canada, you did it again! You even managed to ruin this! Why? Why do we even let you be a country?

4. What does Ted see in that horrible woman? I mean, sure, she has boobs… Actually, I do see it.

5.  For the first time, ever, the three of us are single at the same time. I’ve dreamed about this day, boys, and it’s going to be legendary. Together, we will own this city. Anytime a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriends, we’ll be there. Anytime a girl wants to solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking, we will be there. Anytime a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting, “What’s up, New York,” we will be what is up New York.

6. Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger!

7.  You are the weakest link, Goodbye. Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art didn’t work for us. Your time's up! I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped.

8. I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans — sometimes those two overlap — coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course — wait for it, 'cause Lord knows I have — pregnancy scares.

9. Come on that's my thing. I'm always punching guys, girls, I'll punch a baby I don't care.

10. A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she’s “this” crazy, she has to be “this” hot. You want the girl to be above this line. Also known as the ‘Vickie Mendoza Diagonal’. This girl I dated. She played jump rope with that line. She’d shave her head, then lose 10 pounds. She’d stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. [pauses] I should give her a call.

A Few Pieces of Bro Code!

1.  Bros cannot make eye-contact during a Devil’s Three-way.

2.  A bro will always verify another bro’s story when he is trying to score

3. A Bro pretends to understand and enjoy cigars.

4.  If a Bro should fail at anything during sporting activities or games, he is required to make an excuse for himself, it is always the ball, bat, racket, shoes, glove, controller or equipment’s fault.

5.  Bros before hoes. I cannot stress this enough. Always remember, girlfriends come and go, but your boys are always there. Breaking this rule is to commit the cardinal sin against Team Testosterone.

6.  Always allow a buffer zone at urinals and on couches

7. If a Bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro’s girlfriend’s birthday and / or anniversary date, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless whether he thinks his Bro already knows

8.  A Bro never cries

9. You are allowed to enjoy exactly one chick TV show, and one chick flick. You may have no more. And if you like Grease, well, we’re already too late

10.  Regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical.

10 Awesome Barney Stinson Quotes

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1. “Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”

2. “Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I died yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three. Plus it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is dead", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story.”

3. “It's gonna be legend-... wait for it... and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY!”

4. “God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me.”

5. “Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.”

6. “Here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.”

7. “Oh right, because there can be too many of something wonderful. Hey Babe Ruth, easy big fella, let's not hit too many homers. Hey Steve Gutenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies. America's laughed enough.”

8. “Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume, in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way, I have a second chance to make a first impression.”

9. "The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she’s 17 years, 11 months old."

10. “In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story”

Legendary!

So I was at work being Awesome (Of course) and I decided," Maybe I should make a new blog on Blogger." So I made this blog so it could be Legen...wait for it...hope you're not lactose intolerant because I'm about to say....dary. I'm going to be posting stuff about myself and the Awesome things I do.