What Does Barney Stinson Do?

So you wanna what I do for a living? Haha please, everyone knows what I do so I don't think it's worth talking about. I do however, have an awesome story from work! So I'm at GNB in my office bathroom, Wha Dup!, and can you guess what happened?  I get a call from Ted. Had to put the Leader of Russia on hold so I could see what my best bro wanted. Turns out there was another Cock-a-Mouse found in his apartment. So of course I had to rush over. Told the Russian leader I'd call him back. I get there and what do I find? One of Ted's stupid "Interventions." They think I've been working too hard lately and want to go get a scotch and play laser tag(Awesome). Of course they ask what exactly I've been working so hard on lately. My response? Haha...please lets go play some laser tag. I have the best friends, of course when they have a friend like me, it's hard to be around awesomeness. So they do have to work extra hard for me. It was the first time in a long time Ted played laser tag with me :').

True Story

So there are three guys in this story. Two of them walk into a bar, and well sadly one of them doesn't. Do you know why this third man didn't walk into this bar? He was married. The wife told him he couldn't go out with his bro's that night. Do you know what the moral of this story is? Don't get married, you won't be able to hang out with the bro's, sleep with young single ladies, and one of the most important things you won't be able to do is go play laser tag. You will be stuck at home with the wife and not going out awesoming all over the place. Awesome people don't get married! True Story

A Legen...wait for it...dary weekend

So as many of you know, I'm awesome. With that being said, most of my weekends would make an average man jealous. This was no ordinary weekend, however, it was legen....dary. It started off with a great game of Laser Tag(Only the best sport known to man) and just kept getting better and better from there. Ted, believe or not actually suited up and played laser tag with me! It was like nothing could go wrong. I scored not only on Friday and Saturday but also on Sunday. It was so awesome! None of them tried to get all attachy or anything. In fact, I still haven't heard back from any of them. Some quick advice, wear a suit, it works for me and it worked for Ted because the man also hooked up with a chick this weekend. Wha Dup! Scherbatsky thought the whole weekend was childish but what does she know. Maybe if she actually read my blog she wouldn't be so Canadian about everything. Lily and Marshall were off doing there own thing this weekend. But from what I heard they even had a great weekend. Which is a surprise because I always thought married couples couldn't have any fun. I had many a glasses of scotch this weekend and spent most of it with my best bro Ted(besides you know, when I was with the ladies). So we can chalk this up to a Legen....wait for it....dary weekend. My awesomeness level went through the roof this weekend.

How to be Awesome

Step 1: Get a suit. Suits are awesome, so if you want to be awesome, get one.

Step 2: Don't even think about being married until you're at least 30. No one who is married is awesome.

Step 3: To be awesome you must feel like you are awesome. Gain some confidence! ( Your suit will help)

Step 4: If you start to feel sad, don't. Instead, try being awesome. No one who is awesome gets sad.

Step 5: Don't try to fit in. Awesome people are their own people. Following the crowd is not awesome.

Step 6: Never back down from a challenge! Awesome people are not afraid to accept a challenge.

Step 7: Make up your own words. Awesome people can make up an awesome word on the spot. Like Possimpible.

Step 8:  Focus on the positive: My life rocks! Money, suits and sex? These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in an apartment, changing some brat’s poopy diaper but instead I’m out in the world being awesome 24/7/365!

More Awesome Barney Stinson Quotes

1. Ok, that's it. Attention, Canada. I'm Barney, from America, and I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, get real money. Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a joke. Number two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don't want her, I'm planting my flag in her if you know what I mean-which you probably don't- and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless.

2. Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma Girl free-for-all. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS UP!

3.  Canada, you did it again! You even managed to ruin this! Why? Why do we even let you be a country?

4. What does Ted see in that horrible woman? I mean, sure, she has boobs… Actually, I do see it.

5.  For the first time, ever, the three of us are single at the same time. I’ve dreamed about this day, boys, and it’s going to be legendary. Together, we will own this city. Anytime a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriends, we’ll be there. Anytime a girl wants to solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking, we will be there. Anytime a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting, “What’s up, New York,” we will be what is up New York.

6. Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger!

7.  You are the weakest link, Goodbye. Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art didn’t work for us. Your time's up! I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped.

8. I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans — sometimes those two overlap — coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course — wait for it, 'cause Lord knows I have — pregnancy scares.

9. Come on that's my thing. I'm always punching guys, girls, I'll punch a baby I don't care.

10. A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she’s “this” crazy, she has to be “this” hot. You want the girl to be above this line. Also known as the ‘Vickie Mendoza Diagonal’. This girl I dated. She played jump rope with that line. She’d shave her head, then lose 10 pounds. She’d stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. [pauses] I should give her a call.

10 Awesome Barney Stinson Quotes

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1. “Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”

2. “Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I died yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three. Plus it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is dead", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story.”

3. “It's gonna be legend-... wait for it... and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY!”

4. “God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me.”

5. “Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.”

6. “Here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.”

7. “Oh right, because there can be too many of something wonderful. Hey Babe Ruth, easy big fella, let's not hit too many homers. Hey Steve Gutenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies. America's laughed enough.”

8. “Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume, in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way, I have a second chance to make a first impression.”

9. "The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she’s 17 years, 11 months old."

10. “In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story”