Lorenzo von Matterhorn

Lorenzo Von Matterhorn was born somewhere in Switzerland in the spring of 1974. The exact date and circumstances of his birth are unknown since he was immediately placed in a basket and tossed in a river. Young Lorenzo rode the pristine Alpine glacial melt waters for hundreds of miles before a young Milanese woman discovered the basket along the banks of the river Po. Some say it was this first early journey to Milan that fueled his love for both exploration and fashion. The woman would raise Lorenzo as her own, naming him Lorenzo after her father and giving him the surname Von Matterhorn to reflect his Swiss heritage as well as his uncommonly large penis.

 Shortly after his family moved to New York City in the late 70's, Lorenzo began rescuing stray puppies and other cute animals. As someone who had been abandoned himself, Lorenzo recognized both the pain of loneliness as well as the power of hope. One evening, while nursing a particularly cute Cocker Spaniel back to health, Lorenzo noticed the rest of his brood howling in unison. Curious as to their abilities, he spent the next several months developing their voices and then entered them as a musical act in a local festival under the name DOG STEVENS. They took first place, and went on to become one of the most successful animal musical acts since The Beatles.

 While financing a scientific study on cloud-seeding to alleviate drought in various poor countries, Lorenzo fell in love... with ballooning. He has now ballooned across every continent and hopes to balloon around the world for charity.

At an early age, Lorenzo was diagnosed with phallumegaly, or bigness of penis disorder. As a result of his illness, Lorenzo's sense of balance frequently shifts, causing short-term memory loss. Lorenzo has been known to walk away from situations and not call again, and shouldn't be held accountable when he does. Tired of ordering custom underwear and furniture, Lorenzo has pursued penis reduction surgery a number of times only to be told it's too risky.

The Hot/Crazy Scale

As many of you know, there is a scale that determines a girls craziness to her hotness. Thus we have the Hot/Crazy scale. I know all of you at one point in time have thought there was an exception to this scale. Hotty's will drag you in thinking, "Oh she's not crazy" but then out of no where, a flip will be switched. This blog post is to re-warn you of the dangers in not following the hot/crazy scale. You will find a bad shit crazy girl if you do not tread carefully.

Things To Do Today!

Hear is a list of things I need to do today:

1. Be Awesome (Super easy)

2. Suit Up!

3. Talk to my best friend Ted

4. Go to work

5. Be even more awesome!

6. Score with some random chick.

7. Go to MacLaren's

8. Call Scherbatsky Candian

9. Tell Lily to get her head out of her ass

10. Make the night Legen....wait for it....dary!

I'm Awesome, Therefore, I Am

"I'm awesome, therefore, I am". It is a true philosophical quote from Rene Brocartes. He was once questioning reality after a long night with a really hot chick. He wondered how one could know if he truly exists or if reality is really just part his imagination. As everyone knows, Brocartes was well known for his awesome fashion sense and way with the ladies. He was truly awesome for his time. During that same night of questioning reality it came to him. How could he not exist when he was so awesome. It was so simple yet so powerful. "I'm awesome, therefore, I am". True Story

What Does Barney Stinson Do?

So you wanna what I do for a living? Haha please, everyone knows what I do so I don't think it's worth talking about. I do however, have an awesome story from work! So I'm at GNB in my office bathroom, Wha Dup!, and can you guess what happened?  I get a call from Ted. Had to put the Leader of Russia on hold so I could see what my best bro wanted. Turns out there was another Cock-a-Mouse found in his apartment. So of course I had to rush over. Told the Russian leader I'd call him back. I get there and what do I find? One of Ted's stupid "Interventions." They think I've been working too hard lately and want to go get a scotch and play laser tag(Awesome). Of course they ask what exactly I've been working so hard on lately. My response? Haha...please lets go play some laser tag. I have the best friends, of course when they have a friend like me, it's hard to be around awesomeness. So they do have to work extra hard for me. It was the first time in a long time Ted played laser tag with me :').

More Awesome Barney Stinson Quotes

1. Ok, that's it. Attention, Canada. I'm Barney, from America, and I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, get real money. Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a joke. Number two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don't want her, I'm planting my flag in her if you know what I mean-which you probably don't- and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless.

2. Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma Girl free-for-all. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS UP!

3.  Canada, you did it again! You even managed to ruin this! Why? Why do we even let you be a country?

4. What does Ted see in that horrible woman? I mean, sure, she has boobs… Actually, I do see it.

5.  For the first time, ever, the three of us are single at the same time. I’ve dreamed about this day, boys, and it’s going to be legendary. Together, we will own this city. Anytime a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriends, we’ll be there. Anytime a girl wants to solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking, we will be there. Anytime a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting, “What’s up, New York,” we will be what is up New York.

6. Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger!

7.  You are the weakest link, Goodbye. Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art didn’t work for us. Your time's up! I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped.

8. I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans — sometimes those two overlap — coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course — wait for it, 'cause Lord knows I have — pregnancy scares.

9. Come on that's my thing. I'm always punching guys, girls, I'll punch a baby I don't care.

10. A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she’s “this” crazy, she has to be “this” hot. You want the girl to be above this line. Also known as the ‘Vickie Mendoza Diagonal’. This girl I dated. She played jump rope with that line. She’d shave her head, then lose 10 pounds. She’d stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. [pauses] I should give her a call.

A Few Pieces of Bro Code!

1.  Bros cannot make eye-contact during a Devil’s Three-way.

2.  A bro will always verify another bro’s story when he is trying to score

3. A Bro pretends to understand and enjoy cigars.

4.  If a Bro should fail at anything during sporting activities or games, he is required to make an excuse for himself, it is always the ball, bat, racket, shoes, glove, controller or equipment’s fault.

5.  Bros before hoes. I cannot stress this enough. Always remember, girlfriends come and go, but your boys are always there. Breaking this rule is to commit the cardinal sin against Team Testosterone.

6.  Always allow a buffer zone at urinals and on couches

7. If a Bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro’s girlfriend’s birthday and / or anniversary date, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless whether he thinks his Bro already knows

8.  A Bro never cries

9. You are allowed to enjoy exactly one chick TV show, and one chick flick. You may have no more. And if you like Grease, well, we’re already too late

10.  Regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical.

10 Awesome Barney Stinson Quotes

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1. “Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”

2. “Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I died yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three. Plus it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is dead", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story.”

3. “It's gonna be legend-... wait for it... and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY!”

4. “God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me.”

5. “Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.”

6. “Here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.”

7. “Oh right, because there can be too many of something wonderful. Hey Babe Ruth, easy big fella, let's not hit too many homers. Hey Steve Gutenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies. America's laughed enough.”

8. “Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume, in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way, I have a second chance to make a first impression.”

9. "The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she’s 17 years, 11 months old."

10. “In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story”