1. Ok, that's it. Attention, Canada. I'm Barney, from America, and I'm here to fix your backward-ass country.
Number one,
get real money. Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a joke. Number
two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin
Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don't want her, I'm
planting my flag in her if you know what I mean-which you probably
don't- and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being
pointless.
2. Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma Girl free-for-all.
Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of
breath and sore abdominals the next morning. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS UP!
3. Canada, you did it again! You even managed to ruin this! Why? Why do we even let you be a country?
4. What does Ted see in that horrible woman? I mean, sure, she has boobs… Actually, I do see it.
5. For the first time, ever, the three of us are single at the same
time. I’ve dreamed about this day, boys, and it’s going to be legendary.
Together, we will own this city. Anytime a girl wants to get back at
her ex-boyfriends, we’ll be there. Anytime a girl wants to solve her
father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking, we will be there.
Anytime a bachelorette party drives through the city in a
limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting, “What’s up, New York,” we will be what is up New York.
6. Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably
can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So,
remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it,
even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger!
7. You are the weakest link, Goodbye. Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go.
Your work of art didn’t work for us. Your time's up! I have to ask you to
leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped.
8. I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when
I'm with Germans — sometimes those two overlap — coital, birthdays, to
annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are
mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course — wait for it,
'cause Lord knows I have — pregnancy scares.
9. Come on that's my thing. I'm always punching guys, girls, I'll punch a baby I don't care.
10. A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she is equally hot.
Thus, if she’s “this” crazy, she has to be “this” hot. You want the girl
to be above this line. Also known as the ‘Vickie Mendoza Diagonal’.
This girl I dated. She played jump rope with that line. She’d shave her
head, then lose 10 pounds. She’d stab me with a fork, then get a boob
job. [pauses] I should give her a call.
So there are three guys in this story. Two of them walk into a bar, and well sadly one of them doesn't. Do you know why this third man didn't walk into this bar? He was married. The wife told him he couldn't go out with his bro's that night. Do you know what the moral of this story is? Don't get married, you won't be able to hang out with the bro's, sleep with young single ladies, and one of the most important things you won't be able to do is go play laser tag. You will be stuck at home with the wife and not going out awesoming all over the place. Awesome people don't get married! True Story
Step 1: Get a suit. Suits are awesome, so if you want to be awesome, get one.
