I'm Awesome

To those of you following my awesome blog, you may have noticed a lack of blog posts lately. Well, I can a sure you that this is because I've been out awesoming all over the place. When you are busy being awesome you need not no other excuse. Sometimes I ask myself, "How did I get this awesome"? Then I realize, I've always been. SO the next time you see that I haven't posted much, know this! You need not worry about the Barnacle, he is just too awesome to worry about. You know he is out doing something awesome, spreading awesome, or just being awesome. I know all of you readers aspire to be as awesome me. One day maybe but you will have to keep reading my blog to do so.

Stinson Out!

The Hot/Crazy Scale

As many of you know, there is a scale that determines a girls craziness to her hotness. Thus we have the Hot/Crazy scale. I know all of you at one point in time have thought there was an exception to this scale. Hotty's will drag you in thinking, "Oh she's not crazy" but then out of no where, a flip will be switched. This blog post is to re-warn you of the dangers in not following the hot/crazy scale. You will find a bad shit crazy girl if you do not tread carefully.

Things To Do Today!

Hear is a list of things I need to do today:

1. Be Awesome (Super easy)

2. Suit Up!

3. Talk to my best friend Ted

4. Go to work

5. Be even more awesome!

6. Score with some random chick.

7. Go to MacLaren's

8. Call Scherbatsky Candian

9. Tell Lily to get her head out of her ass

10. Make the night Legen....wait for it....dary!

I'm Awesome, Therefore, I Am

"I'm awesome, therefore, I am". It is a true philosophical quote from Rene Brocartes. He was once questioning reality after a long night with a really hot chick. He wondered how one could know if he truly exists or if reality is really just part his imagination. As everyone knows, Brocartes was well known for his awesome fashion sense and way with the ladies. He was truly awesome for his time. During that same night of questioning reality it came to him. How could he not exist when he was so awesome. It was so simple yet so powerful. "I'm awesome, therefore, I am". True Story

What Does Barney Stinson Do?

So you wanna what I do for a living? Haha please, everyone knows what I do so I don't think it's worth talking about. I do however, have an awesome story from work! So I'm at GNB in my office bathroom, Wha Dup!, and can you guess what happened?  I get a call from Ted. Had to put the Leader of Russia on hold so I could see what my best bro wanted. Turns out there was another Cock-a-Mouse found in his apartment. So of course I had to rush over. Told the Russian leader I'd call him back. I get there and what do I find? One of Ted's stupid "Interventions." They think I've been working too hard lately and want to go get a scotch and play laser tag(Awesome). Of course they ask what exactly I've been working so hard on lately. My response? Haha...please lets go play some laser tag. I have the best friends, of course when they have a friend like me, it's hard to be around awesomeness. So they do have to work extra hard for me. It was the first time in a long time Ted played laser tag with me :').

How to be Awesome

Step 1: Get a suit. Suits are awesome, so if you want to be awesome, get one.

Step 2: Don't even think about being married until you're at least 30. No one who is married is awesome.

Step 3: To be awesome you must feel like you are awesome. Gain some confidence! ( Your suit will help)

Step 4: If you start to feel sad, don't. Instead, try being awesome. No one who is awesome gets sad.

Step 5: Don't try to fit in. Awesome people are their own people. Following the crowd is not awesome.

Step 6: Never back down from a challenge! Awesome people are not afraid to accept a challenge.

Step 7: Make up your own words. Awesome people can make up an awesome word on the spot. Like Possimpible.

Step 8:  Focus on the positive: My life rocks! Money, suits and sex? These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in an apartment, changing some brat’s poopy diaper but instead I’m out in the world being awesome 24/7/365!

Ted

Well today I think I'm going to post about Ted. I'm his best bro/friend but man sometimes I wish he would just listen to me. Yesterday he got a chick's number and he called her back today! I know what an idiot right?! I've told him time and time again you wait three days. Jesus put that rule in place for a reason. Either way he got lucky and she totally ate it up. Sometimes I don't know what Ted would to without me if I didn't have his back. Totally got him that chicks number and just one time you would think Ted would thank me or at least suit up! Every girl loves a suit it's a fact.

I think I may just go get my favorite suit dry cleaned and pressed. It will always pick you up when your best friend makes a huge mistake.

More Awesome Barney Stinson Quotes

1. Ok, that's it. Attention, Canada. I'm Barney, from America, and I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, get real money. Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a joke. Number two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don't want her, I'm planting my flag in her if you know what I mean-which you probably don't- and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless.

2. Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma Girl free-for-all. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS UP!

3.  Canada, you did it again! You even managed to ruin this! Why? Why do we even let you be a country?

4. What does Ted see in that horrible woman? I mean, sure, she has boobs… Actually, I do see it.

5.  For the first time, ever, the three of us are single at the same time. I’ve dreamed about this day, boys, and it’s going to be legendary. Together, we will own this city. Anytime a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriends, we’ll be there. Anytime a girl wants to solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking, we will be there. Anytime a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting, “What’s up, New York,” we will be what is up New York.

6. Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger!

7.  You are the weakest link, Goodbye. Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art didn’t work for us. Your time's up! I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped.

8. I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans — sometimes those two overlap — coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course — wait for it, 'cause Lord knows I have — pregnancy scares.

9. Come on that's my thing. I'm always punching guys, girls, I'll punch a baby I don't care.

10. A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she’s “this” crazy, she has to be “this” hot. You want the girl to be above this line. Also known as the ‘Vickie Mendoza Diagonal’. This girl I dated. She played jump rope with that line. She’d shave her head, then lose 10 pounds. She’d stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. [pauses] I should give her a call.

A Few Pieces of Bro Code!

1.  Bros cannot make eye-contact during a Devil’s Three-way.

2.  A bro will always verify another bro’s story when he is trying to score

3. A Bro pretends to understand and enjoy cigars.

4.  If a Bro should fail at anything during sporting activities or games, he is required to make an excuse for himself, it is always the ball, bat, racket, shoes, glove, controller or equipment’s fault.

5.  Bros before hoes. I cannot stress this enough. Always remember, girlfriends come and go, but your boys are always there. Breaking this rule is to commit the cardinal sin against Team Testosterone.

6.  Always allow a buffer zone at urinals and on couches

7. If a Bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro’s girlfriend’s birthday and / or anniversary date, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless whether he thinks his Bro already knows

8.  A Bro never cries

9. You are allowed to enjoy exactly one chick TV show, and one chick flick. You may have no more. And if you like Grease, well, we’re already too late

10.  Regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical.

10 Awesome Barney Stinson Quotes

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1. “Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”

2. “Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I died yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three. Plus it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is dead", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story.”

3. “It's gonna be legend-... wait for it... and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY!”

4. “God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me.”

5. “Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.”

6. “Here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.”

7. “Oh right, because there can be too many of something wonderful. Hey Babe Ruth, easy big fella, let's not hit too many homers. Hey Steve Gutenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies. America's laughed enough.”

8. “Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume, in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way, I have a second chance to make a first impression.”

9. "The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she’s 17 years, 11 months old."

10. “In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story”