Halloween Suit Up!

It is that time of the year when everyone I know suits up! It may not be in a suit but at least people have the Halloween spirit. Everyone knows Halloween is about dressing up super awesome and banging hot chicks. Since the dawn of Halloween that's what it's been about. When the Celtics came up with the tradition of Halloween do you think they just lounged around with a bunch of dudes? No! They were out banging chicks all night. When people were on witch hunts do you think they were trying to burn them alive? No! People want to get laid on Halloween.

If you didn't enjoy any Halloween parties this weekend I hope you go out and enjoy the actually holiday. There is nothing like enjoying a holiday, and seeing so many girls slut up! If you are a guy and you are going out, don't forget your spare costume. It is essential in case you don't score with the hottest chick at the party because you get a second try!

So this Halloween followers remember it's not about candy, holiday spirit, scares, and trick-or-treats. This Halloween is about suiting up and banging chicks!

Lorenzo von Matterhorn

Lorenzo Von Matterhorn was born somewhere in Switzerland in the spring of 1974. The exact date and circumstances of his birth are unknown since he was immediately placed in a basket and tossed in a river. Young Lorenzo rode the pristine Alpine glacial melt waters for hundreds of miles before a young Milanese woman discovered the basket along the banks of the river Po. Some say it was this first early journey to Milan that fueled his love for both exploration and fashion. The woman would raise Lorenzo as her own, naming him Lorenzo after her father and giving him the surname Von Matterhorn to reflect his Swiss heritage as well as his uncommonly large penis.

 Shortly after his family moved to New York City in the late 70's, Lorenzo began rescuing stray puppies and other cute animals. As someone who had been abandoned himself, Lorenzo recognized both the pain of loneliness as well as the power of hope. One evening, while nursing a particularly cute Cocker Spaniel back to health, Lorenzo noticed the rest of his brood howling in unison. Curious as to their abilities, he spent the next several months developing their voices and then entered them as a musical act in a local festival under the name DOG STEVENS. They took first place, and went on to become one of the most successful animal musical acts since The Beatles.

 While financing a scientific study on cloud-seeding to alleviate drought in various poor countries, Lorenzo fell in love... with ballooning. He has now ballooned across every continent and hopes to balloon around the world for charity.

At an early age, Lorenzo was diagnosed with phallumegaly, or bigness of penis disorder. As a result of his illness, Lorenzo's sense of balance frequently shifts, causing short-term memory loss. Lorenzo has been known to walk away from situations and not call again, and shouldn't be held accountable when he does. Tired of ordering custom underwear and furniture, Lorenzo has pursued penis reduction surgery a number of times only to be told it's too risky.

Nothing Suits Me Like A Suit Lyrics

I know what you're thinking
What's Barney been drinking?
That girl was smoking hot

Yes I coulda nailed her
But no it's not a failure
'Cuz there's one thing she is not

To score a ten would be just fine
But I'd rather be dressed to the nines
It's a truth you can't refute
Nothing suits me like a suit

Picture a world where all the boys and girls
Are impeccably well dressed
That delivery guy in the jacket and tie
That puppy in the double-breast

That '80s dude with mutton chops
That baby with a lollipop
That lady cop who's kinda cute
Nothing suits 'em like a suit

Wingman I can wear
They're oh so debonair
The perfect way to snare
A girl with daddy issues

In navy blue or black
Check out this perfect rack
I want to give them a squeeze

Oh really? Then answer these questions
If you please

What would you do if you had to choose
Between your suits and a pot of gold? Suits.

What would you say
If you gave your suits away
In return you'd never grow old? Suits.

What would you pick
One million chicks
Or a single three-piece suit? It's moot.

What if world peace
Were within your reach... Abbadabada I'm gonna stop you right there. It's suits. Come on, Lily. Get your head outta your ass.

Two... Three... Four!

Girls will go and girls will come
But there's only one absolute
Every bro on the go needs to know
That there's no accepted substitute

I'm sorry suits, let's make amends
My Sunday best are my best friends
Send casual Friday down the laundry chute

'Cuz nothing suits the undisputed oft-saluted suitor of repute
Like a... wait for it...
Suit!

Barney's Get Pysched Mix

A bro is always psyched. Always
-If you’re having trouble getting psyched, or you need to get a bro psyched, you can always make yourself a “Get Psyched” mix.

Here is a list of songs on my "Get Pysched List"

1. You Give Love A Bad Name (Bon Jovi)
2. I Wanna Rock (Twisted Sister)
3. The Humpty Dance (Digital Underground)
4. Don’t Stop Believin’ (Journey)
5. Lick It Up (Kiss)
6. Paradise City (Gun ‘N’ Roses
7. Tom Sawyer (Rush)
8. The Transformers Theme – Alternate Version (Vince DiCola)
9. Dancing With Myself (Billy Idol)
10. Rock You Like A Hurricane (Scorpions)
11. Come Sail Away (Styx)
12. Free Bird – Second Half Only (Lynyrd Skynyrd)
13. Panama (Van Halen)
14. Jessie’s Girl (Rick Springfield)
15. Talk Dirty To Me (Poison)
16. Thunderstruck (AC/DC)
17. High Enough (Damn Yankees)
18. Hip Hop Hooray (Naughty By Nature)
19. Dr. Feelgood (Motley Crue)
20. Round and Round (Ratt)
21. You’re the Best Around (Joe Esposito)

The Hot/Crazy Scale

As many of you know, there is a scale that determines a girls craziness to her hotness. Thus we have the Hot/Crazy scale. I know all of you at one point in time have thought there was an exception to this scale. Hotty's will drag you in thinking, "Oh she's not crazy" but then out of no where, a flip will be switched. This blog post is to re-warn you of the dangers in not following the hot/crazy scale. You will find a bad shit crazy girl if you do not tread carefully.

Things To Do Today!

Hear is a list of things I need to do today:

1. Be Awesome (Super easy)

2. Suit Up!

3. Talk to my best friend Ted

4. Go to work

5. Be even more awesome!

6. Score with some random chick.

7. Go to MacLaren's

8. Call Scherbatsky Candian

9. Tell Lily to get her head out of her ass

10. Make the night Legen....wait for it....dary!

I'm Awesome, Therefore, I Am

"I'm awesome, therefore, I am". It is a true philosophical quote from Rene Brocartes. He was once questioning reality after a long night with a really hot chick. He wondered how one could know if he truly exists or if reality is really just part his imagination. As everyone knows, Brocartes was well known for his awesome fashion sense and way with the ladies. He was truly awesome for his time. During that same night of questioning reality it came to him. How could he not exist when he was so awesome. It was so simple yet so powerful. "I'm awesome, therefore, I am". True Story

What Does Barney Stinson Do?

So you wanna what I do for a living? Haha please, everyone knows what I do so I don't think it's worth talking about. I do however, have an awesome story from work! So I'm at GNB in my office bathroom, Wha Dup!, and can you guess what happened?  I get a call from Ted. Had to put the Leader of Russia on hold so I could see what my best bro wanted. Turns out there was another Cock-a-Mouse found in his apartment. So of course I had to rush over. Told the Russian leader I'd call him back. I get there and what do I find? One of Ted's stupid "Interventions." They think I've been working too hard lately and want to go get a scotch and play laser tag(Awesome). Of course they ask what exactly I've been working so hard on lately. My response? Haha...please lets go play some laser tag. I have the best friends, of course when they have a friend like me, it's hard to be around awesomeness. So they do have to work extra hard for me. It was the first time in a long time Ted played laser tag with me :').