True Story

So there are three guys in this story. Two of them walk into a bar, and well sadly one of them doesn't. Do you know why this third man didn't walk into this bar? He was married. The wife told him he couldn't go out with his bro's that night. Do you know what the moral of this story is? Don't get married, you won't be able to hang out with the bro's, sleep with young single ladies, and one of the most important things you won't be able to do is go play laser tag. You will be stuck at home with the wife and not going out awesoming all over the place. Awesome people don't get married! True Story

I Only Have One Rule

As many of you know, I, Barney Stinson have one and only one rule. So, I made a list of it for you!

I only have one rule -

Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.

Never go out with a chick whose last name ends in a vowel.

Never spell check.

Never meet a girl's parents.

Never pass up a free sample.

Never pet a chicken.

Never trust a dude with hair past his shoulders.

 Never trust a dude with hair ON his shoulders.

Never enter a wine bar. They only attract women over 30.

Never check a bag.

If it's yellow, flush it down too.

Never wear a brown belt with black shoes.

Never take a girl back to your place, especially if your place is the White House

Always wash your hands before returning to work.

Never leave home with less than three condoms in your wallet.

However old a girl says she is add 5 years. However much she says weighs add 5.

Never meet a girl for lunch.

Never repeat yourself.

Bang twice, dump once.

The longer the line, the better the food.

Never run without stretching.

Never wear a clip-on.

Never use an airplane lavatory.

Never order a “small” beer.

If you pay your taxes before a court mandates you do, you’ve paid too soon.

Black tie is never optional.

Ask yourself, “What would Ted do?” Then do the opposite. 

The only exception to any of these rules is if she is hot.  
            

A Legen...wait for it...dary weekend

So as many of you know, I'm awesome. With that being said, most of my weekends would make an average man jealous. This was no ordinary weekend, however, it was legen....dary. It started off with a great game of Laser Tag(Only the best sport known to man) and just kept getting better and better from there. Ted, believe or not actually suited up and played laser tag with me! It was like nothing could go wrong. I scored not only on Friday and Saturday but also on Sunday. It was so awesome! None of them tried to get all attachy or anything. In fact, I still haven't heard back from any of them. Some quick advice, wear a suit, it works for me and it worked for Ted because the man also hooked up with a chick this weekend. Wha Dup! Scherbatsky thought the whole weekend was childish but what does she know. Maybe if she actually read my blog she wouldn't be so Canadian about everything. Lily and Marshall were off doing there own thing this weekend. But from what I heard they even had a great weekend. Which is a surprise because I always thought married couples couldn't have any fun. I had many a glasses of scotch this weekend and spent most of it with my best bro Ted(besides you know, when I was with the ladies). So we can chalk this up to a Legen....wait for it....dary weekend. My awesomeness level went through the roof this weekend.

Revenge of the Naked Man

As many of you know, I, Barney Stinson attempted a move called the Naked Man once and it failed miserably. I also lost a great phone that night. Nevertheless I would not give up my new challenge of getting a girl in bed using the naked man tactic. It was supposed to work 2/3 attempts and so I set this statistic to the test. I brought three girls to my place, had a few drinks, and things were going great. I went into another room and stripped down. I called the girls into the room and BAM! If you guessed that 2/3 of those girls stayed with me that night, you are indeed correct! Yes upon successfully using the naked man I also accomplished my goal of riding a tricycle. WHA DUP! Next time any of you see me I will be wearing my belt around all day every day. It goes well with my suit. Ted didn't believe me but none the less I waved my belt in his face for an hour telling him to look at it( He was so jealous).

It was definitely a legendary night. To all of my followers I would like to thank you for reading my blog and know that you are awesome for it!

How to be Awesome

Step 1: Get a suit. Suits are awesome, so if you want to be awesome, get one.

Step 2: Don't even think about being married until you're at least 30. No one who is married is awesome.

Step 3: To be awesome you must feel like you are awesome. Gain some confidence! ( Your suit will help)

Step 4: If you start to feel sad, don't. Instead, try being awesome. No one who is awesome gets sad.

Step 5: Don't try to fit in. Awesome people are their own people. Following the crowd is not awesome.

Step 6: Never back down from a challenge! Awesome people are not afraid to accept a challenge.

Step 7: Make up your own words. Awesome people can make up an awesome word on the spot. Like Possimpible.

Step 8:  Focus on the positive: My life rocks! Money, suits and sex? These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in an apartment, changing some brat’s poopy diaper but instead I’m out in the world being awesome 24/7/365!