Ted

Well today I think I'm going to post about Ted. I'm his best bro/friend but man sometimes I wish he would just listen to me. Yesterday he got a chick's number and he called her back today! I know what an idiot right?! I've told him time and time again you wait three days. Jesus put that rule in place for a reason. Either way he got lucky and she totally ate it up. Sometimes I don't know what Ted would to without me if I didn't have his back. Totally got him that chicks number and just one time you would think Ted would thank me or at least suit up! Every girl loves a suit it's a fact.

I think I may just go get my favorite suit dry cleaned and pressed. It will always pick you up when your best friend makes a huge mistake.

More Awesome Barney Stinson Quotes

1. Ok, that's it. Attention, Canada. I'm Barney, from America, and I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, get real money. Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a joke. Number two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don't want her, I'm planting my flag in her if you know what I mean-which you probably don't- and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless.

2. Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma Girl free-for-all. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS UP!

3.  Canada, you did it again! You even managed to ruin this! Why? Why do we even let you be a country?

4. What does Ted see in that horrible woman? I mean, sure, she has boobs… Actually, I do see it.

5.  For the first time, ever, the three of us are single at the same time. I’ve dreamed about this day, boys, and it’s going to be legendary. Together, we will own this city. Anytime a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriends, we’ll be there. Anytime a girl wants to solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking, we will be there. Anytime a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting, “What’s up, New York,” we will be what is up New York.

6. Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger!

7.  You are the weakest link, Goodbye. Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art didn’t work for us. Your time's up! I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped.

8. I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans — sometimes those two overlap — coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course — wait for it, 'cause Lord knows I have — pregnancy scares.

9. Come on that's my thing. I'm always punching guys, girls, I'll punch a baby I don't care.

10. A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she’s “this” crazy, she has to be “this” hot. You want the girl to be above this line. Also known as the ‘Vickie Mendoza Diagonal’. This girl I dated. She played jump rope with that line. She’d shave her head, then lose 10 pounds. She’d stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. [pauses] I should give her a call.

A Few Pieces of Bro Code!

1.  Bros cannot make eye-contact during a Devil’s Three-way.

2.  A bro will always verify another bro’s story when he is trying to score

3. A Bro pretends to understand and enjoy cigars.

4.  If a Bro should fail at anything during sporting activities or games, he is required to make an excuse for himself, it is always the ball, bat, racket, shoes, glove, controller or equipment’s fault.

5.  Bros before hoes. I cannot stress this enough. Always remember, girlfriends come and go, but your boys are always there. Breaking this rule is to commit the cardinal sin against Team Testosterone.

6.  Always allow a buffer zone at urinals and on couches

7. If a Bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro’s girlfriend’s birthday and / or anniversary date, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless whether he thinks his Bro already knows

8.  A Bro never cries

9. You are allowed to enjoy exactly one chick TV show, and one chick flick. You may have no more. And if you like Grease, well, we’re already too late

10.  Regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical.

10 Awesome Barney Stinson Quotes

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1. “Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”

2. “Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I died yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three. Plus it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is dead", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story.”

3. “It's gonna be legend-... wait for it... and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY!”

4. “God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me.”

5. “Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.”

6. “Here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.”

7. “Oh right, because there can be too many of something wonderful. Hey Babe Ruth, easy big fella, let's not hit too many homers. Hey Steve Gutenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies. America's laughed enough.”

8. “Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume, in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way, I have a second chance to make a first impression.”

9. "The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she’s 17 years, 11 months old."

10. “In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story”

Legendary!

So I was at work being Awesome (Of course) and I decided," Maybe I should make a new blog on Blogger." So I made this blog so it could be Legen...wait for it...hope you're not lactose intolerant because I'm about to say....dary. I'm going to be posting stuff about myself and the Awesome things I do.